Why Even Successful Leaders Feel Like They're Sitting Alone in the Cafeteria

You know that dream where you show up to school and everyone's speaking a language you don't understand? Leadership can feel a bit like that. Except you're wearing proper clothes, you're getting paid quite well, and everyone thinks you've got it all figured out.

Spoiler alert: You probably don't. And that's not just okay—it's completely normal.

Let's Talk About the Elephant in the Corner Office

Here's something we don't talk about enough: more than 50% of senior business leaders report feelings of loneliness and isolation. Among tech leaders? A whopping 97% have felt lonely at one point or another, with 19% feeling that way all of the time.

And here's the kicker: only 20% of employees report having a best friend at work. Four out of five people don't have someone at work they'd call a genuine friend.

So if you're feeling a bit alone up there, congratulations—you're officially normal. The bad news? Normal doesn't make it feel any better, does it?

The "Success Paradox" (Or: Why Your Promotion Made You Lonelier)

Here's what they don't tell you when you get promoted: The higher you climb, the smaller your circle becomes. It's like a really rubbish game of musical chairs where everyone keeps disappearing.

Your old peer group? They're still talking about team dynamics while you're making redundancy decisions that keep you up at night. Your team? You can't exactly pop round to their desk and say, "Hey, do you think I'm completely out of my depth here?" And your board? They're the people who expect you to have all the answers.

So what do you do? You close up. Keep calm and carry on. Stiff upper lip and all that.

But here's the plot twist: that loneliness isn't just uncomfortable—it's actively making you worse at your job.

The Performance Tax of Going It Alone

Research shows that lonely leaders experience:

• 86.5% report issues with motivation and engagement (that project you keep putting off? Yeah, that one)

• 44.6% have reduced confidence with stakeholders (imposter syndrome, anyone?)

• 34.4% struggle to lead their teams effectively

• 32.3% see a dip in productivity

In other words, that "I'll just figure it out myself" approach? It's sabotaging the very thing you're trying to protect—your effectiveness as a leader.

It's Not Just in Your Head (Though It Is Affecting Your Head)

The American Medical Association has categorized loneliness as a public health issue. Not "feeling a bit blue" territory—actual, measurable health risks including heart disease, stroke, diabetes, depression, and dementia.

Suddenly "being a bit lonely" doesn't sound quite so much like "part of the job," does it?

But Here's the Good News (Finally!)

You don't have to white-knuckle your way through leadership alone.

The same research that shows how lonely leaders feel also reveals something brilliant: having genuine connections at work has become MORE important since the pandemic, not less. Having a best friend at work is now even more strongly linked to engagement, satisfaction, and performance.

In other words, connection isn't a nice-to-have. It's not soft stuff. It's the competitive advantage you've been overlooking.

What If Leadership Didn't Have to Be Lonely?

Imagine having a group of people who:

• Actually understand the weight of the decisions you're making

• Won't judge you for asking "stupid" questions

• Will call you on your nonsense (kindly)

• Celebrate your wins without jealousy

• Help you think through the thorny problems that keep you up at night

That's not fantasy. That's what happens when leaders stop trying to be heroes and start building genuine peer communities.

What's Coming Next

Over this series, I'll be exploring:

• Why peer learning might be your secret weapon (and why it's nothing like those networking events you dread)

• How to build real friendships at work without becoming "that boss who tries too hard"

• Practical strategies for breaking the isolation cycle

• Real stories from leaders who've cracked the code

But for now, I just want to say this:

If you're feeling lonely in your leadership role, you're not broken. You're not weak. You're just human.

And here's the really good news: You're definitely not alone in feeling alone. Which is either deeply ironic or strangely comforting, depending on how you look at it.

Have you felt the loneliness of leadership? Found ways to build genuine connection? Made a complete fool of yourself trying? I'd genuinely love to hear about it in the comments below.

Next in this series: "Your Peer Group Might Be Your Most Powerful Leadership Tool (And No, I Don't Mean LinkedIn Connections)"

Kingsley